KEN and ARIEL are unemployed bloggers with degrees in English Lit. Naturally, they dispense sex and relationship advice. Seek their assistance at questions@kenandariel.com.
Ken and Ariel: My girlfriend recently started hanging out with one of her girlfriends from work. All well and good, but this friend is VERY single and spends a good chunk of her time in bars chasing guys and always wants my girl to go along as her “wing woman.” I’m not wild about the idea of my girlfriend out there trying to get her friend laid (and mingling with guys who might want to lay her). Anything I can do without sounding like a dick?
KEN SAYS: The short answer is: probably nothing. So there.
But let me back up a bit and explain.
As a guy, I know how guys are, especially when we’re out drinking in bars, mentally undressing everything with breasts and a heartbeat that happens within our field of vision. After a few beers, it only gets worse,
as we start imagining what it would be like to 69 the Doctor Who pinball machine in the corner of the bar.
So when our women tell us that they’re going out for the night with their girlfriends, we immediately hear the “Lost in Space” robot yelling “Danger, Will Robinson.” Because, as you infer, unless they’re heading to “2-for-1 dyke night” at the local Pizza Hut (a real thing, or so I’ve been told), they will very likely be in the presence of inebriated guys with one thing on their minds.
Never mind that for inexplicable chromosomal reasons, women are perfectly capable of going out with their friends, having some drinks, dancing and flirting innocently, and actually heading back home without blowing the bartender. In our male minds, they’re grinding to Flo Rida on the bar top, showing off their tattoos for free drinks, or engaging the local biker gang in a spirited round of “Penis Darts.”
So I guess it all comes down to how much you trust your girlfriend. From the info you’ve provided,
all I see is that she’s a stand-up friend, trying to help a pal get laid, which is one of the principles on which this country was founded.
Has she cheated in the past? Is there a reason you should be suspicious? Are you feeling guilty about something and somehow projecting it on your woman (just please tell me it doesn’t involve fingerbanging her grandmother)?
If not, then, yeah, you’ll look like a colossal, controlling dick if you try to stop her from going out with her friend. If you need some reassurance, tell her your concerns.
She may find it flattering. She may find it odd. But at least you put it out there.
ARIEL SAYS: Sweetheart, ain’t nothing wrong with a sister trying to help another sister get some. Hell, if I had to drop a couple Gs on her bridal madness (A destination wedding in Tahiti, fuck yeah) or hear for the umpteenth time “how me and my bfff met and fell in love,” the least she can do is talk to some fucking yahoos and make me seem somewhat normal (read: not desperate) while I hunt Moby Dick(s).
Must you begrudge my raging horniness with your fear of the slight possibility of a gang bang?
"Er... don't wait up for me."
Onto the next. How do you not come off sounding like a dick yourself? Well, the worst thing you could do is tell her she can’t go.
Try that some time, and then sit back and enjoy the show as she wraps herself in dental floss, cotton candy tassels and 25-inch stilettos, flipping you off as she heads out for the evening.
No, sweet prince, you’ll have to be a bit more subtle than that.
My suggestion would be to show her what she’s missing by not staying home with you. Instead of greeting her in your usual uniform of droopy drawers, a turkey leg and the TV remote, why not throw on those skinny jeans and start fixing that pesky bottom shelf. Or that floor tile. No, not that one, the one towards the left. Mmmmm, yeah.
Or how about taking her to dinner? Like, at an eating establishment? That doesn’t have “Buster” in the name?
Or–here’s my fave–why not just fuck her so dramatically-amazingly-mind-blowingly-orgasmly-awesome that she’ll have trouble remembering her own name, much less have the stamina to go out to da club?
If she still goes out, you’ll be OK. Because you’re the shit. That’s right: Ariel says you’re a cool dude, you love your woman, and she’s a lucky bitch because she knows no matter who she meets, she still gets to go home to you.
“Cheap Feel Paradise,” Ken and Ariel’s mildly entertaining collection of stories about, er, getting laid, is available here. You can also follow their exploits at kenandariel.com.