KEN and ARIEL are unemployed bloggers with degrees in English Lit. Naturally, they dispense sex and relationship advice. Seek their assistance at questions@kenandariel.com.
Dear K&A: I’m a twenty year-old college girl and I’ve never really been one to put a lot of work into hook ups. Either they make the first move or I just drunkenly tell them exactly what I’d like to do, which always seems to work. But now I want to get with a guy I know who, while very nice and good looking, isn’t very confident and probably wouldn’t make the first move. I’d like to do something to kick him in the rear, but I’m afraid my usual drunken technique of bluntly saying, “let’s go” would scare him off. Any suggestions? Subtlety isn’t my forte.
KEN SAYS: First things first, where were you when I was in college? Because most of the girls I hoped to interface with back then simply lined the bar, wearing hipper-than-thou faces and avoiding me and my droogies like we were radioactive waste.
Sure, none of us were wearing pants, but that’s beside the point.
We could have used an aggressive, first-move woman like yourself to grab us by the scruff of our necks, point to her crotch and say, “I’ve got a job for your mouth and tongue, and the only thing I might pay you in is oxygen.”
Always nice to see the shy ones slowly emerge from their shells
But I digress. Back to your question.
You’re used to making the first move, but afraid you’ll scare this guy off. With all due respect, are you out of your fucking mind?
Assuming this guy is of a similar age to you (and not one of those forty-something grad students who wants to chat you up about the new Vampire Weekend CD while fumbling with a chloroform-soaked rag), then he probably thinks about screwing 23 hours a day,
with the remaining hour dedicated to daydreams about killer robots, football, and getting a blowjob in a spaceship.
I would embrace your lack of subtlety and just bum-rush the guy. If he’s in, he’s in. If not, at least you’ve spared yourself a couple of semesters of trying to coax Rain Man out of his shell. That’s valuable time that could be spent doing better things.
Oh, and by “better things,” of course, I mean “fucking.”
Or helping entomologists classify new and exotic breeds of butterflies. That’s some honorable work right there.
ARIEL SAYS: I’m 99.9 percent sure that your “drunken technique” is one of the three wishes that boys ask for when they rub the genie’s lamp. (The other two being “that she says ‘Oh hell, yeah!’ when I make the first move,” and “an invention that allows me to pee whilst driving.”)
But now you’ve got a little challenge on your hands. He’s the perfect Pygmalion, ripe for plucking, primping and pimping. Where’s that entrepreneurial spirit, darling? All of a sudden, you’re the shy one, scared that you’ll scare him. And round and round we go.
Your magic formula has worked thus far. Why stop now?
Why deny who you are, or worse, suppress it because you fear he’ll run away? Leave the acting to Anne Hathaway. Embrace your true calling, your “viva la booty” mantra, and offer him the sweetest ride of his life. There’s a good chance he’s been wondering what’s been taking you so damn long.
Need wildly impractical sex advice? From English majors? Send your questions to questions@kenandariel.com or visit kenandariel.com. If we answer yours, Ariel might just show up at your place with a bottle of cheap booze. And her lawyer.